…but what a difference a day makes.
This is a bit of a rambling post covering just about everything that has been on my mind recently, it’s mostly related!
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that I love Time. I talk about it, think about it, worry that there’s not enough of it, I comment on the days between things, I count down, I count up, I even LOVE it when I spot the clock at 3:33 or 11:11, you may think I’m obsessed.
On the 5th July was my 10,000 day birthday, I had been on this earth for exactly 10,000 days! I wanted to celebrate in some way, I wanted to make a cake and write some things about the last 10,000 days. It just so happened that it was the day we’d planned to go to Go Ape for my sister’s birthday! I was terrified but did it! I didn’t make a cake and I didn’t get chance to sit down and write, the whole day was spent either being terrified or quality time with family, which is what it’s all about!
You’ve seen me mention a quarter life crisis and I can say from experience that it is real! According to my extensive google search, a quarter life crisis can happen in your 20s-early 30s. It is usually around the time that you’ve moved out, left education and are in the first few years of work. It’s when you realise “this is it now, I’m a grown up” there are chores to be done, bills to pay, and one has to stay alive (ie. Feed yourself!) it all sounds so basic, I felt like I was struggling with the idea but I can do this stuff, it’s silly to feel worried!
For me, it all started with a twitchy eye lid, this usually means one of three things. I was either stressed, not sleeping enough or not eating properly. At the time, it could have been all three! I didn’t feel happy, I felt over the moon happy that Rob and I owned our own home, that Rob and I were together and planning our wedding, things were amazing really but there was something deep down that I didn’t feel so happy about, and it took me a while to realise what it was.
I realised that actually, this had been going on for a while. I felt useless because I spend so much time out of the house working and commuting. I didn’t have the time or energy to cook dinner or wash up when I got home, all I’d do is watch TV and wouldn’t be any use to anyone. That was the main problem but I started to think that there was something wrong with me, was I just useless? Had I missed something that everyone else seems to be able to do quite easily? I started to doubt myself as a person, I started to doubt my lifestyle and started to doubt my ability as a designer due to things happening at work. It was all very horrible and confusing.
I had in my mind that my 10,000 day birthday was coming up and wondered how I’d feel when that day came around. I was half looking forward to it, because it was a mini celebration, and half dreading it because we were going to Go Ape. I’d been to Go Ape twice before and was too scared to join in! But it was booked, I was doing it whether I liked it or not and actually it was great fun! I feel like I really conquered some fears that day! I felt so proud of myself. Even if I didn’t do the big Tarzan swing that drops you about 5 feet before you feel it take your weight, I’m glad I didn’t do that bit in fact!
Slowly but surely things started to fall into place. I started to appreciate where I am now and what I’m doing right now. I slowly felt incredibly thankful for everything I’ve got. This didn’t happen over night of course and it didn’t happen without trying incredibly hard to change my perspective on life. I now feel inspired to work on personal projects, I’m excited about planning our wedding after a little break, I’m also determined not to slip back into just watching TV of an evening and live a life!
Everyday I feel a little bit closer to “figuring it out” and finding my purpose. I know that no-one really has it all figured out but I felt like I knew nothing and now I’m inspired to learn! I can’t just let life pass me by and feel unhappy about it in the meantime.
One thing I’ve found really useful is thinking about the positive things, and feeling thankful for what I have. It was a year ago that I wrote 3 positive things that had happened on Facebook everyday for a week, they could be tiny or huge things. Sometimes the small positive things are all it takes to lift up a day. So, I want to do something similar here on the blog, maybe weekly. This is also a little bit inspired by Lorna‘s “Reasons to smile” posts every Sunday, I enjoy reading the posts and want to join in.